2021 and the Detonation of My Life
Hello Dearies. It’s been almost two months (if I am remembering right) since I last posted. Two months since I detonated the sleeping bomb that is my life. Two months in which I completely altered the course of my life. You want to know it all. My secrets laid bare like a festered wound, ripe for the vultures. And so, I will tell it. I will tell you what I can. I will lay bare all that has been swirling inside me for so long.
As some of you know, I am currently inside my second marriage. My first, I left because I was tired of being alone in it. He was a gamer and well, it took over his life. So, I left him…for husband number two. 7 years later, I have done it a second time. I have left. I walked out, stayed with a friend, and didn’t look back This time, 2 kids were in the wake of destruction that my selfishness created. For that, I will always be sorry. But, the decision I made, was for my happiness. For that, I will never apologize. I did what was necessary for me to be the best version of myself. I imagine only those that have been through this or know someone close to them that has gone through it will understand my reasoning. I will, however, do my best to paint the picture clear enough for those that cannot understand any other way.
A few years ago I met my Native American mentor. Now, I have had many mentors in my life. All made a difference, but she made the most difference. Rather than answering my questions, she turned the question back to me. She made me think. She made me search my soul deeper. As the years went by the deeper I went. At times I felt I was losing the battle. I pretended to be happy. At times I believed the lie I created. There were times of happiness, don’t get me wrong. There were many in fact. But as time went on, it became a chore to do the simplest of tasks. The pandemic afforded me the ability to retreat from the world even more. And yet, during this time, I started to scrape more and more of the dead skin off. In retreating, I forced myself to look deep. I didn’t like the person I had become. Not a day went by that I didn’t argue, fuss, or feel like I was spinning out of control. It was constant darkness. When we met up with family I hid it. Sure, I talked to my mom about stuff, but I never fully told how dark it got for me. At one point I really wanted to just hop in my SUV and drive until I couldn’t anymore and start over. But all I could do was think of my two stepsons. So I stayed and stayed, longer than I should have. I tried to make myself be happy. I tried to make my marriage work. Instead, in my mind, I only saw it fall apart more. I tried to tell my husband and the kids what was going on but no one listened. I was “having a crazy moment” and honestly no one cared enough to jump in that darkness and help me pull myself out of it. I had two friends that were a constant support system. But, even from them, I withdrew. My husband bought a house in Portsmouth and we moved there in July. I was determined to make things work after this. But, the darkness continued to creep in. I ended up spending all my time on games and making stuff for my Etsy shop. I didn’t want to cook, clean, or even do day-to-day things. In reality, I was more than just a little depressed, I was severely depressed. I wanted to hide from my feelings, the world, and the way I knew I would inevitably ruin things.
In October I was diagnosed with Grave’s Disease. Add onto it my heart condition, and the fact that my red blood cells are shrinking and not multiplying correctly (makes getting enough oxygen hell) and you have a life-altering moment. A moment where you realize that not only will you probably never have the baby you have yearned for all your life, you just may die even earlier than you expected. At that moment, I decided I could not waste what was left of my life. I realized that somehow, I had to live the life I wanted. I walked out that night. I detonated the sleeping bomb. I broke my stepsons’ hearts. I broke my husband’s heart. To be honest I felt he didn’t love me and my heart hardened because of that. He was a good provider. He took care of me medically, financially, etc. But the love I thought was there when we married dissipated. For me, at least. We were on two different paths.
People come and go in your life. Some are only meant to be chapters, some are meant to weave themselves so deeply that you never forget them. You never forget their smile or the way they held you, the way their mouth moved against yours when they kissed you. Or the way they broke your heart, the way they smashed it into a million china-like pieces. The way you cried into your pillow for hours at a time. The way, years later, you answered them each time they messaged you even though afterward it took a little piece of you. The way, even years later, the mere mention of them made you heartsick. The love that smolders until each person is ready. That has happened to me. I’ve watched the same guy all my life go through some pretty terrible situations, make the wrong choices (in my opinion), pay for those choices in every possible way, and finally, drag himself from that pit. Does he have a lot of money? Nope. Does he drive a brand new car and own a house? Nope. But what he does have is worth so much more. He pays attention to my every need before I even know I need it. He makes me feel like the only woman in the world. He insists on paying. He is willing to carry me when I cannot find the energy to move. He cooks for me (and makes sure I eat healthily). He doesn’t make me self-conscious about my body. He is clean (which for some reason the guys in my generation have forgotten how to be) and dresses nicely. He loves hoodies and flannels and finds it cute when I borrow them and they swallow me. He always makes sure I have lunch for work and usually brings me a drink when he passes through in the afternoon. It’s the little things that matter and he gets it. He understands that I have a past and I understand that he has one too. He is kind, so much smarter than people give him credit for, and has achievable dreams and wants to share those dreams. In truth, he is what I never knew I needed, but always secretly knew I wanted. I am truly happy. By that, I mean that my smile reaches my eyes (yep talking to you Aio since you would know what I mean).
There is more of course to all of this yes I know that by publishing this I will hurt my husband. But I absolutely cannot hide any longer. I can’t shut myself off from the world. I have waited out of respect, but by now, both families know that something is wrong. To them, I am sorry and I never meant for any of this to happen. I still love you all. I merely found (again) who makes me complete. For that, I will not apologize. Thank you to those who will stand by me. To those that cannot, I understand.
So that’s some of it, dearies. Well, as much as I can stomach to write currently. The computer is giving me a headache. Time for a cuppa. Night! Until next time! PS: yes that is me and “he who is not named” at NekoCon this past November! Rockin’ them last-minute costumes.