Oh, and this one time, at…

 

Every 90’s kid just yelled BANDCAMP! Haha! But no, seriously, the event that I am about to tell you about seems to happen all the time, just like whenever someone says the above phrase. No kidding, all the time. Each time I “need” to read something without knowing it, I always end up finding it. Take for example a few months ago. I was going through more than I can explain here and add to that, we were packing up our lives and moving across the water. I hit my breaking point. I just needed something. I sat down on my bed and reached for some books I was packing up. There it was. I let the book fall open and what I read calmed me and gave me the oomph I needed to continue. Books have always been an escape for me, a chance to learn, but also, a chance to just be. Just exist. Sometimes, that is all you need. 

I survived covid-19. Thankfully, I was asymptomatic minus wanting to eat all the time, a few aches and pains but nothing major, and of course the thing it seems to have affected most…my thyroid. So here I am a very young 29 with some experience (shhh!) and I lost 100 lbs and my thyroid is sticking out of my neck. Yay. Since moving, to be honest, I have been floundering. I am depressed more than I can say but it’s that functional depressed. You get up, you do only what has to be done, you sit in your chair and escape into a video game or a book. Meanwhile, you ignore your passion. You ignore your creativity, your imagination, everything that makes you, You. You order dinner because you absolutely cannot get up the energy to make dinner. Then you have those people in your life. They tell you, oh it could be so much worse, or, it only takes 30 minutes to make dinner. Or those that quote a movie line to you. My favorite as of late, “go on, get out there, get the stink blown off you,” which was sent by someone, meaning well of course but in my head, I knew they watched it because it’s free on Prime now and they couldn’t wait to use the line. These things do not help with mental illness. Often, they make them worse. The other thing that often happens with me, just like the book thing, I rarely finish a project I start. When I gather the materials I have all this steam and then very quickly I lose it. I get what is called imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. ‘Imposters’ suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence. I absolutely know that I make nice stuff. However, I often compare it and feel because they have nicer pictures or they get more sales, etc that I am not good enough. Then I quit. I give up. I got utterly lost in some coding training and said, whatever. I have recently begun to pick it back up but I missed a month or so. I can go back and watch all the zooms but it is not the same as being there and asking questions. Anyway. Today, the book thing happened. I was looking for some beads to add to a project and I was feeling overwhelmed and threw my hands up in frustration. In doing so I knocked over two containers. Behind the containers were a few books. Then it happened. It stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb. Embrace Your Weird by Felicia Day. If you know me well you know I love her projects and such. She is an amazing person all around. I bought the book a little over a year ago I believe. I never flipped the page. I had carried it here and there such as the dr office in an attempt to read it, but nope. Today though, I changed that. I haven’t gotten far. I was only a few pages in when I knew that this needed to be a journey I blogged about. The passage that moved me was this:

 “Helping other people accept their weirdness and use it to create is something I’ve become super passionate about. It’s top three behind playing video games and eating high-quality croissants. I now consider it one of my missions in life to give people a power-up to overcome destructive voices that keep their creativity silent. It’s personal. Because I’ve been plagued by similar voices all my life. “

“Destructive thoughts kept me afraid to pursue writing for many years-and discouraged me when I finally tried. I thought they were ‘realistic.’ That those voices knew better. It was an amazing feeling to realize one day, ‘HEY, HERE’S A CRAZY IDEA! I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BELIEVE THESE THOUGHTS! IN FACT, THEY CAN SUCK IT!”

As I read this I realized I have had imposter syndrome most of my life. Do I know when it started? I doubt it. I know at a very young age I held my cousin on a pedestal. She was beautiful, skinny, lived at the beach, etc. I also started realizing that my body was chunky, uncoordinated, and my best friend was whatever book I was reading. I remember when I was told to clean my room, my mom would pile the mess into the center of the room and 30 minutes later she would check my progress only to find me sitting cross-legged on top of the pile, reading. I went through school being picked on, especially by three guys. One apologized just a few years ago over FB messenger. Another, when I was in high school. He never formally apologized but he looked out for me. The last one, the only thing  I remember is his first name and the look on his face when my cousin upper-cut the guy next to him. Being made to feel worthless plagued me. Still does sometimes. I kept it hidden. I pushed the pain away. I smiled and flirted and joked. I changed schools after an incident. No one believed me about it because I didn’t act the way one should. But they don’t see the nights I scream in my sleep or cry and shake uncontrollably. I recently started door dashing. I had to deliver to his door. I didn’t go back out for three days. Knowing how close he lives is enough punishment in my mind. So, you see, I have compounded being overweight, being unworthy for the in-crowd, feeling ashamed that I never went to college or did anything special (like be a lawyer or mom-too many miscarriages and I gave up), and even when my Etsy shop doesn’t do well for the month, I feel I must be doing something wrong. My heart knows differently, but my brain is trickier. I know going through this book won’t fix all those years of misery that were done to me by myself and others. But, it is a start. I have to finish it. So, to keep myself accountable, I will be publishing a post on my blog every Friday morning of the work I did throughout the week. There are 7 sections to the book so it should take 7 weeks. If I feel I need longer with a section to be thorough, I will announce it. I feel like I unpacked way too much here and got off-topic and all that. But, it’s okay. It is my blog and you know I am so random. So, thank you Felicia Day for writing this book and for all the projects you are in. Going to have to make my twitch and TikTok theme song, Will You Date My Avatar! LOL. And just so we are clear, no Felicia Day did not ask me to write about her book and no I didn’t get the book for free. I ordered it off Amazon, and you can too! I wish I had the chance to meet her at a convention or even zoom. She truly is an inspiration! The photo I used for this article was taken from her Twitter post. Well, goodnight dearies. Until next Friday!

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